


If you're still breathing, you're the lucky one

by Akiko_kitsune



Series: Sick of losing soulmates [2]
Category: Gintama
Genre: Canon-Typical Violence, First Kiss, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Nightmares, Panic Attacks, War
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-25
Updated: 2018-11-25
Packaged: 2019-08-27 20:43:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,787
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16709713
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Akiko_kitsune/pseuds/Akiko_kitsune
Summary: War wasn't a place suitable for teenagers; but Gintoki, Katsura and Takasugi chose this way to save their master. Soon it started to tear them apart and pull away from each other. Would an appearance of someone new patch up their wounds?





	If you're still breathing, you're the lucky one

**Author's Note:**

> So the second part of the series! This time with full angst and hurt with a bit of comfort. 
> 
> Please keep in mind that it follows the previous part, so Takasugi still has some feelings for Shouyou (I know I'm horrible).
> 
> The title is a line from "Youth" by Daughter.

They went to a war. It seemed rational at a time. Or rather it seemed right. Soon it turned out bad for them. With each day Takasugi felt as if they strayed further from saving Shouyou. It should be their goal. Maybe it wasn't. Zura wanted to help the people, Gintoki couldn’t leave anyone behind. There was always some battle, someone to save, something to fight for.  
  
If it was only up to Takasugi, would he decide to leave the war, all the people that started to believe in them?  
  
He couldn’t do such a thing. But at the same time, a part of him wanted to. And that was tearing him apart. He couldn't let it show, so he gritted his teeth and tried to hold everything inside. He needed to focus. People were counting on him.  
  
They couldn’t win the war alone. They needed soldiers, weapons, allies. And like the solution of all their problems, they met Sakamoto Tatsuma. The most insufferable human being he had ever come across. But Takasugi had to admit, he was an exceptional merchant and he could get anything he wanted.  
  
They didn’t have any other choice than to bear him. He didn't make it easier for them. Like when he came to disturb Takasugi's night guard.  
  
“Do you ever sleep? You’re always up to take the night guard,” he said jokingly when he sat next to him. Maybe he couldn't turn off this tone of his voice no matter what he was saying.  
  
“Do you ever shut up?”  
  
Sakamoto laughed. “You can't take care the night guard all alone. I’m your support.” He grinned.  
  
Takasugi rolled his eyes.  
  
“So?” Samakoto moved closer to him. “Something interesting is happening at night around there?”  
  
“Nothing.” He knew it wouldn't be enough, so he continued. “I can't sleep at night. At least I can help like this.”  
  
“Nightmares?”  
  
Takasugi looked at him. So his voice had some more serious tones. But it wasn't enough to make Takasugi confess everything. He only nodded. Sakamoto stopped there. He didn't dig deeper. It became too heavy even for him to laugh off. Or it was too close to him. In this place, there were no good dreams.  
  
“You two always argued that much?” Sakamoto asked when he got bored sitting in silence. “You and Gintoki.”  
  
“Not like this. We always fought with each other, but it was all to see which one of us were better. Or rather I didn’t want to admit that I'm worse than him.”  
  
“What changed?”  
  
“We went to a war.”  
  
“And? Zura and you are still on good terms. Same with Zura and Gintoki. So it isn’t only war.”  
  
“Zura doesn’t like to argue. He’s always trying to get to the compromise. That’s why.”  
  
“Who would think that our incredible generals are so divided?” Sakamoto hummed.  
  
“Where do you see anything incredible? We're idiots who let themselves get thrown into this mess.”  
  
“I’ve seen you in the field a few times. You're good. There is no better strategist than you in this whole army.”  
  
Takasugi smirked. “People said it's a good intuition.”  
  
“They can't believe a kid is better than them.”  
  
Takasugi tried to smile again, but he couldn't help being overcome with darker thoughts. “But if they are right, if it's all good intuition... Then now all my intuition is telling me is that everything will go wrong. We will fail.”  
  
“We'll lose the war?”  
  
“We're going to lose it anyway. I’m not talking about this.”  
  
“So? What is more important than the motherland for our fearless leader?”  
  
“Our teacher…” Sakamoto kept quiet unlikely to him, giving Takasugi room to speak or not. Why wouldn’t he talk about Shouyou? “He got arrested by bakufu. We went to the war to get him back, but… We got stuck here. We won't save him like this.”  
  
“Will it stop you from trying to?”  
  
Takasugi smiled to himself. “Never.”  
  
“So, don't worry that much. Sometimes miracles happen. All you need is a bit of hope.”

* * *

  
Sakamoto got into their lives when the relation between them grew more and more complicated. He filled this hole that arose from them following other paths. He glued them back together. After every argument, he tried to meditate them with various effects. And he was there even when there was no one else. No matter how strong words were thrown.  
  
He was the only reason they were still here, alive and sane. It was good, but at the same time, it was only temporary. You can't glue back together something that has broken too many times.  
  
Sakamoto didn't notice it. If he knew, he wouldn't try to do it. But who knows? He was an idiot after all.  
  
With time Takasugi got used to him and started letting him closer. Sakamoto often accompanied him during the night guards. He could spend the whole night talking. Takasugi didn't mind it. Even this always joking and too loud tone of voice.  
  
Or maybe it was only because Takasugi didn't want to be alone in this hellish place.

* * *

  
Battlefields made hell look cozy.  
  
They won again, but it cost them a lot. Did they ever gain anything there? Everything seemed to draw away from them.  
  
There was no hope left.  
  
Takasugi could feel how with each swing of the sword he was becoming empty. It was taking everything from them. Saving the country, saving Shouyou, even saving themselves. All of it was becoming impossible.  
  
Why were they still struggling? There was no point in anything. There was nothing. Only piles of bodies.  
  
They had to gather them. Takasugi tried to force himself to think about fulfilling orders. To push everything else away. They needed to dig the mass grave, to hide the bodies. There were so many of them. There was no end to it. It was all his fault. If he didn’t take so much risk, if he was smarter, if he… If he...  
  
“Takasugi,” Sakamoto called him waking him up from this thoughts. “Oi, you’re alright there?”  
  
“Yes, I…” Takasugi tried to catch his breath. He wasn’t wounded, at least he thought so. He looked at himself and saw nothing. So why Sakamoto seemed so scared and worried. There was no place for sentiments. They needed to, he needed to...  “I need to...”  
  
“It’s okay, I’ll cover you. Sit.” He pushed him to the side. Takasugi nearly collapsed from it. How weak did he become?  
  
He sat on a rock and watched how others keep struggling. He couldn’t do anything. Only watch. Everything was happening somewhere else and he had no influence on this.  
  
Afterwards, Sakamoto came back to him. He was still looking so worried. “How are you holding on?” he asked.  
  
“Still breathing,” Takasugi smirked faintly, but he could keep this look for long. “I’m too pitiful to be a man.”  
  
“You look pretty fine to me. You’ve done tons of hard work here. You deserved a moment to catch a breath.” Sakamoto gave him a hand to stood up.  
  
“I should have helped you…”  
  
“The great commander of the Kiheitai deserved himself a bit of special treatment, doesn’t he?”  
  
“How haven’t I kill you yet?”  
  
“You must have held some sentiment towards me,” Sakamoto said it as a joke. Takasugi kept quiet. Lack of mean remarks made Sakamoto rethink his words.  
  
“What?” Takasugi was angry at himself that he let his gaze soften and linger on Sakamoto. It was too pitiful.  
  
“Nothing, just come here.” Takasugi only made a step in his direction when Sakamoto caught him and hugged. “Damn, you’re skinny. Are you eating anything?”  
  
“You’re too big,” Takasugi murmured unamused.  
  
“No one ever says this, ha!”  
  
At that moment Takasugi didn’t mind all this jokes and familiarity. He let himself hide for a moment in someone’s arms and catch the breath. He’d done enough. He could close his eyes for a moment and sink into someone.

* * *

  
Katsura didn't let Takasugi take the night guard after that battle. It wasn’t surprising. Takasugi was barely standing on his feet.  
  
Sakamoto laid down close to him. He was still worried about him. He wouldn’t say it out loud, he could imagine how big outrage it would bring on him. He didn’t need to say anything. He wanted to keep an eye on Takasugi. At least for this one night. They’d been through worse than that sometimes and Takasugi always wrapped his head around it. But the moment when he just froze at the battlefield... Like for a moment before falling on his knees. This image would haunt Sakamoto for longer than one night.  
  
It took long for Takasugi to fall asleep. It had been a tough battle. After the ones like this, everyone had problems with falling asleep. If they got any, it was because they fainted from fatigue.  
  
He didn't sleep long tortured by nightmares. He woke up like he was pulled from the water. Drained by sweat. Trying his hardest to stay quiet. He turned on the side and muffed his gasps with his hand. He was trembling. Sakamoto nearly reached out his arm to him.  
  
Takasugi sat up and brought his knees up, close to his chest. Nothing seemed to help. After few minutes when he tried to either catch his breath or muffed his gasps, he got up and went outside.  
  
After a few minutes, Sakamoto went after him.  
  
Takasugi didn’t go far. He leaned one hand on the wall and vomited.  
  
He was just a kid.  
  
Takasugi heard him coming. He wiped his mouth with his hand and looked at Sakamoto. “There's nothing to look at. Go away.”  
  
“You're here.”  
  
“Are you enjoying the view?”  
  
“Come here.”  
  
This time Takasugi didn't act out. He came closer and let Sakamoto embraced him.  
  
“You're trembling.”  
  
“It's cold.”  
  
“Yeah, I know, I know,” Sakamoto murmured. How long would they survive like this?

* * *

  
There were also some lighter days and nights. Not every moment they spent on the battlefields. Before Takasugi had thought it was only a loss of time. They should go and fight. But now… He didn't mind spending a bit time with this idiot Sakamoto. It wasn't bad.  
  
“You were never with anyone?” Sakamoto couldn't let go of it. Even in the middle of their night guard.  
  
“So what?”  
  
“We have to go to the brothel again.”  
  
“You just want to go there again.”  
  
“I’m worried about my friend. A nice-looking man like you shouldn’t go to waste like this.”  
  
“I pass. Not interested.”  
  
“Like not interested cause you're such a serious commander trying to find an excuse or not interested in women?”  
  
“Do I have to be interested?”  
  
“It's a good way to pass time and get things out of your head… Still no?”  
  
“You aren't persuasive.”  
  
“You don’t care about women?”  
  
“No.”  
  
“Maybe you prefer guys? You know, it's nothing bad. I swing both ways. And no one here dares to judge you…  
  
Takasugi got a bit lost in his thought. He had never been with anyone, but it didn’t mean no one ever picked his interest. His gaze lingered on some people. And he had that one person to whom he held great sentiment.  
  
Sakamoto noticed it. “Wait? Really?”  
  
“I don't know.” Takasugi looked away from him. “Shut up.”  
  
“Okay. But don’t be mad at me if I fall asleep.”  
  
Takasugi wouldn’t mind if he did. At least Sakamoto kept quiet. Though, Takasugi couldn’t tell if it was good or bad. It left him with all the weird thoughts in his head. During sleepless nights they tend to be spoken out loud at some point.  
  
“How is it to be kissed by someone?” Takasugi asked.  
  
“It's nice,” Sakamoto said. “You want to try?”  
  
“Maybe…”  
  
Sakamoto moved closer to him. Takasugi didn't actually expect it, so he didn't try to push him away.  
  
Sakamoto kissed him. It was as gentle as everything he did towards him. But Takasugi couldn’t focus on what was going in this moment. All he could think about was connected to something else, to someone else. He wanted to know how soft his lips would be. Where would his hands go? How he would tilt his head to avoid their noses bumping at each other. Or at first, they would. He would move back and smile, and then try again. And then try once again for practice.  
  
Takasugi wanted to kiss someone else. Someone who... He would never meet him again.  
  
Why did it have to hit him at this moment?  
  
Sakamoto noticed something was wrong. Why did he have to notice? Couldn’t he shut up and do what he wanted with him. No. It wasn’t his style. He was too gentle.  
  
“Hey, what’s wrong?”  
  
Takasugi moved back. “It's nothing.”  
  
"Maybe it was a bit too sudden..." Sakamoto tried to make it into some joke, but he was watching Takasugi worried. He couldn't hide it and he knew it. “Can I say something maybe stupid?”  
  
“You’re always definitely stupid… Yeah, you can.”  
  
“You wanted to kiss someone else, right?”  
  
“Don’t strain yourself with all that thinking.” Takasugi moved further from him.  
  
“Well, there’s nothing better for us to do, so maybe let’s talk a bit?”  
  
“Like I have anything to tell you.”  
  
"Is he... Is he the man you’re all looking for?"  
  
“So? He doesn't matter anymore. He's probably dead,” his voice quavered. “Why would anyone keep a prisoner for so long?"  
  
"Why not?”  
  
"Don't."  
  
"For once listen to someone, okay?”  
  
“Okay.”  
  
“Don't lose your hope. I know, maybe it would be easier if you think that way, you won't get hurt if anything happens... But you can't just throw away all your hope. It would kill you. We all need something that will make us survive this hell. So if for nothing, then use this hope to survive."  
  
"What if I get hurt because of it?"  
  
"You will have us to treat you."  
  
Takasugi wanted to believe in it.

* * *

  
Sakamoto got hurt during the fight. Among everyone, it was him to… It was his turn to...  
  
_He is not dying, calm down_ , Takasugi kept telling himself. Idiots didn't die. Like Gintoki and Zura. They would always survive somehow.  
  
Takasugi took all the courage that was left in him to go to see him. To check how serious his injuries were.  
  
When he got closer, it became closer. He heard that always too loud laughter. Next, he saw this everlasting idiotic smile. For a moment he could act as nothing happened, but his eyes were trained too well how to find and examine wounds. He couldn’t force himself from doing it.  
  
Sakamoto was pale, his breathing was erratic. Maybe it was nothing. His arm got hurt. He would be unable to use his sword ever again. Maybe it didn't matter. That idiot could get out from any situation, right? It was the end, right?

* * *

  
It was the end. Takasugi only got a chance to catch him one more time before losing him.  
  
“Running away without saying anything?” Sakamoto stopped when he heard him. “That’s low. Even for you.”  
  
He turned back offering Takasugi his usual dumb smile. “Give me a break. Gintoki’s just caught me.”  
  
“I can call out the rest of the squad.”  
  
“Okay, okay.” He came closer looking at Takasugi with that childish innocence of his. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry I didn’t say goodbye.”  
  
Takasugi forced himself to stay calm. To be a leader, not a scared, lonesome kid. Which only made him more confused about what to do. Let him go? Force him to stay? It would be too pitiful to tell him not to go.  
  
So Takasugi only tried to ask: “Is it because…?” His eyes lowered to Sakamoto’s hurt arm.  
  
“Partially.” Sakamoto sighed and covered his scarring wound with his hand. He couldn’t get used to it yet. “I don’t want to slow you down.”  
  
“You won’t slow us down. We still need you. You were never only a soldier.”  
  
“You know… War isn’t exactly my kind of place. Looks like I’m more a pacifist kind of guy.” He grinned like he often did. Idiot.  
  
“If you say so.”  
  
“You will let me go?”  
  
“Do I have any choice here?”  
  
“I put the great commander in a bad position?” Sakamoto hummed.  
  
“As always. Idiot.”  
  
“Takasugi,” he became more serious, his voice went lower, “Find the man you love. I wanna meet him one day."  
  
“I will find him.”  
  
Sakamoto smiled. Not in his stupid dorky way, but in a way he only showed Takasugi only a few times. It was something between _I’m interested_ and _I’m proud_.  
  
Takasugi couldn’t help but smile a bit too. He was going to miss this idiot.  
  
Takasugi let him go.  
  
Maybe it was a mistake.

**Author's Note:**

> It was my first attempt at writing Sakamoto/Takasugi, so I'm curious what do you think about it. Comment or find me on twitter @AkikoKitsune.
> 
> Next part containing some BanTaka and Kiheitai goodies will hopefully show up during the week.


End file.
